Why isn't this self-explanatory?
by DimensionWarper
Summary: Phil doesn't even understand why these are even on the list of rules for the Avengers. He thought that the only teenager on the team was Spider-Man. (Cross-posted on AO3)
1. Chapter 1

1\. Please no more dead flies in Peter's bed. I don't know who did it but if I get any more complaints about it I will send you all off on a mission to Antartica.

2\. Spider jokes, when used to insult, are prohibited.

3\. The same goes for bird or raccoon jokes. (Seriously Tony? Barnes is one of the worlds best assassins.)

4\. Animal jokes in general are now banned.

5\. Having a metal prosthesis with superhuman strength and the ability to punch through walls does not give you the right to punch through said walls when you feel like it without a good reason. Being "pissed at Tony" does not qualify as an appropriate reason."

6\. When asked what your plans for the future are "world domination" is not an appropriate answer. Seriously Clint, the press had a field day"

7\. Wade is not allowed within a 50 mile radius of the tower if Peter isn't there. Seriously, the "Night of the Living Chimichangas" was the last straw.

8\. No more fanfiction. Just no. Never again. The shipping wars almost destroyed an entire floor and Pepper nearly quit.

9\. Before battle strategy meetings do not mean "make out and grope each other" this goes for all of you (Barnes especially, you and Rogers get way too vocal.)

10\. Wild animals should not be purchased by any members of the Avengers. Bringing them back to the tower and setting them free is absolutely not allowed (the incident with the monkey is not to be mentioned ever again).


	2. Chapter 2

1\. Tony, hand in the lightsaber.

2\. When someone is annoying you, wrapping them in a cocoon of webbing is not an appropriate response. Seriously, I don't care if the question was "really fucking rude, Phil c'mon you can't punish me for that" the reporter still filed a lawsuit.

3\. Barnes when in public, keep the details of your bedroom activities to your self. This goes for you too Rogers.

4\. If whoever gave Deadpool glitter steps forward now I might be merciful.

5\. The Avengers are not allowed to compete in any local sports tournent. Natasha you're supposed to be responsible. Please, please, please, no more lawsuits.

6\. The folowing subjects are now banned from press conferences: Nazi dinosaurs, Nazi zombies, bedroom activities, Steve's ass, and birds of prey.

7\. Deadpool is also banned from press conferences.

8\. Clint, you cannot keep the hawk.

9\. Steve and Natasha are the only people, other than Peter, that are allowed to touch Peters webshooters. Tony is not allowed within a 10 foot radius of them and and they should stay out of sight of Clint at all times (the Spider-Hawk incident was too much).

10\. Vodka-drinking competitions are most definately banned (Natasha, Steve, and Bucky can drink anyone under the table anyway)./p


	3. Chapter 3

1\. When a reporter asks a homophobic question loudly making out with your boyfriend is both ill advised and immature.

2\. Deadpool and Darcy Lewis are not allowed to be in the same room together without either Peter or Natasha's supervision.

3\. Whoever gve Darcy the expirimental photon cannon, WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!? She "accidentally" blew a hole in the side of the fucking Helicarrier!

4\. The Avengers are also not allowed to compete in game shows.

5\. Tony you cannot sponser an Avengers version of "American Ninja Warrior".

6\. Barnes please stop telling Tony about the time you slept with his father. He already has enough problems as is.

7\. Whoever is filling the Iron Man suits with rust remover please stop. He's already filed fourty seven complaints with SHIELD and I can't take it anymore.

8\. The SHIELD complaints department is now off limits to the Avengers until further notice.

9\. Bruce is not allowed to drink Asgardian liquor.

10\. Clint, I don't even know where you managed to procure three hundred assorted spiders, but get them out of Peters bedroom or your next mission will be to the middle of the Sahara desert.


	4. Chapter 4

1\. When someone asks a question you don't like sticking your tongue out at them is not an appropriate respones. Seriously Tony, you're making the Avengers look like children.

2\. Death threats are also not appropriate answers to rude questions.

3\. Neither are threats of bodily harm. (Legal is demanding a raise and the budget is tight as is. We cannot deal with the amount of lawsuits you create).

4\. Wade Wilson is not an Avenger and therefore does not have the authority to make other people members of the Avengers initiative.

5\. Stealing twenty live hedge-hogs "for shits and giggles" is both prohibited and a really bad idea.

6\. Pepper must now be present at all press-related activities.

7\. "Drunk Science" is absolutely forbidden.

8\. Drunk shooting, drunk knife throwing and drunk Avenging are all banned and never to be spoken of again.

9\. Stop asking Stark to make you arrows that are "totally necessary" for Avenging unless they are actually needed, this includes the flour bomb arrow, the hair dye arrow and the alarm clock arrow (you left one of those in the vents and it kept beeping for weeks, we had to evacuate twice because some of the younger agents thought it was a bomb).

10\. Tony, the Avengers-theme smut blog has to be deleted. I mean it (but if you could send me the links to some of those Stucky fics I might not tell Fury).


	5. Chapter 5

1\. Posting pictures of your fellow teammates online without their permission is both hazardous to your health and not permitted (Clint I don't even want to know what you were doing in the vents above Barnes and Rogers' room, but posting explicit images online of Captain America and the Winter Sodier is probably going to end badly for you, I would start running now if I were you.).

2\. Tony, you cannot teach Thor what sexting is.

3\. Clint I don't know how or why you stole all of my paper files and relaced them with pictures of birds but I do know that I need them back.

4\. Please stop jumpscaring Peter. The last time you startled him he wouldn't come down from the ceiling for six hours.

5\. Stop trying to convert Thor to Christianity. He just ends up confused and then comes and asks us where he can find "this Jesus person". Knock it off Clint.

6\. I am not a zombie. Please stop spreading rumors.

7\. Director Fury is not hiding anything under his eye patch.

8\. Tony you cannot buy any more companies. You already own Doritos, Starbucks, Facebook and Stark Industries.

9\. Darcy is not allowed to bring her taser into the Avengers tower afted she tasered Tony for the nineteenth time.

10\. Knife throwing does not qualify as a team-building exercise. Especially when your teammates are holding the targets.


	6. Chapter 6

1\. Wade cannot make sex tapes of Peter eating tacos or chimichangas. (How does that even qualify as a sex tape anyway?) Kudos to OutlawQueenAsLove on AO3 for the idea.

2\. Tony you have to secure your suits when you go somewhere. The clean-up of the Iron Deadpool incident cost us over three million dollars in damages.

3\. Wade cannot answer any questions meant for the Avengers.

4\. The Fantastic Four are the Fantastic Four, not the fake Avengers.

5\. Peter, you have a bed. Sleep in it. A giant web is not a good substitute.

6\. Natasha, when someone attempts to sneak up on you try not to shock them with your Widows Bites. That agent is still traumatized.

7\. I was just informed of how number one qualifies as a sex tape. You know that there is such a thing as too much information, even for as secret agent. I really don't need to know about your ''sexcapades''.

8\. Chopsticks are banned from the tower.

9\. If Peter is being obnoxious you can't send him off to the X-Men. Wade always tags along and pisses off Logan and I'm getting compaints about the amount of blood on the carpet.

10\. Tony, you do not need a room for Avengers merchandise.


	7. Chapter 7

1\. Wade is not allowed to online-shop anymore.

2\. Natasha, please remove Steves nude drawings of James from where ever you hid them around the Helicarrier. They are very distracting.

3\. Steve and James please stop trolling the new recruits. There was no such things as Nazi Zombies.

4\. Singing Fall Out Boy lyrics at the top of your lungs during undercover missions is unadvised.

5\. Never underestimate Pepper.

6\. Bruce and Tony are not allowed to "help" with Peters homework. Instead of letting him Google black holes like every one else you literally created a black hole in your lab. Why SHIELD lets you have this much power I have no idea.

7\. Never touch Bruces coffee machine if you want to live.

8\. Barnes please stop shooting things when something startles you. This is why we can't have nice things.

9\. The manufacture of glitter bombs is prohibited. I expect that you will dispose of all of them

10\. Disposing of the glitter bombs absolutely does not mean giving them to Darcy Lewis. She "accidentally" set one off, covering Director Fury, her ex and the foreign dignity he was showing around the Triskelion in a shower of glitter.

 **Numbers nine and ten are the brainchild of DrakeBorn on AO3. I simply adapted them**.


	8. Chapter 8

1\. Keep Deadpool as far away from the Asgardian liquor as possible.

2\. If Natasha says somewhere is a good place to go on vacation be wary.

3\. On an unrelated note, Natalie Rushman is now banned from Cyprus.

4\. Never underestimate Bruce.

5\. Tony, you cannot make adjustments to Seargent Barnes' arm during routine maintenance without his permission. He accidentally tazed Director Fury.

6\. Clint is not allowed to have flaming arrows anymore after he "accidentally" set Director Fury on fire.

7\. We are not fictional characters no-matter what Wade says.

8\. Natasha, you cannot break into Fort Knox "for fun".

9\. Confetti is banned from the tower.


	9. Chapter 9

1\. No. No more alternate reality Deadpools Wade. Put them back. We now have twenty-three Deadpools and the amount of chaos and chimichangas they are causing is ridiculous.

2\. As Sif and the Warriors Three are arriving tonight I expect you all to be on your best behavior.

3\. Natasha and Sif should not be approached when they are visibly angry and especially not when they are angry with you.

4\. Sock-skating tournaments are banned after Bruce broke a toe and released the Hulk by accident.

5\. Impromptu dance breaks in the middle of a battle are not allowed.


	10. Chapter 10

1\. Yelling random words in the middle of important situations is not allowed. "Universe!" "What?" "Just ignore it." "Pig!" "Danish!" "Turtle!" "Duck!" "-Ow!" (Idea from the lovely PoppyseedPomphrey)

2\. No more theme songs.

3\. For your own safety, please stop insulting Director Furys knitting.

4\. Natasha, please stop changing Captain America to 'Grandpa Frisbee' on all official SHIELD documents.

5\. Bruce, I understand that getting Tony to sleep is important, but could you please stop drugging his coffee in an attempt to get him to go to bed.

6\. Never play poker with Natasha. You will lose. Spectacularly.

7\. Steve, please stop hot-wiring the Quinjets.

8\. The Avengers are now banned from the zoo. (The incident with Thor and the leopard was the last straw.)

9\. Please stop making attempts at stealing Director Fury's eyepatch.

10\. Please return the 10,000 Bucky Bears.


End file.
